Identity..Crisis!!?

She glanced for the 50th time at the clock. It was 6 in the evening. Her ex colleagues would be meeting at Cyber City by 8 tonight. It was a Sunday. Everything was going as per her plan. She would help Alia and Natasha finish their weekend assignments, give them an early dinner and tuck them in their beds by 8. She would then leave home as soon as possible and probably be just an hour late for her get-together.

It had been ages since she had last met her colleagues...She hardly remembered the date and month. She was so looking forward to step out. Not that she had best of her buddies waiting to meet her, probably many of them wouldn't even recall her name, but she was excited. She was excited to go out without her kids, all by herself. Neerav had been coaxing her to go and meet her colleagues and friends, but something was stopping her. She had a storm of thoughts running inside her head, all at the same time. What if the kids don't finish their home work on time? What if Natasha doesn't sleep by 8? What if she gets really late to reach for the party? What if she feels totally bored there as she had not met those people for years together? Should she go or just back out like all the other occasions?Would anyone even notice or miss her absence? Would she look presentable enough with that small paunch peeping out from her party dress? Oh! she had pulled out that lovely party dress of hers from the back of her cupboard shelf. Thankfully she could fit into that dress( if you ignore the devil paunch).
She brushes these thoughts aside and manages to finish all her work on time. Its 8 pm now and she has been successful in putting both Alia and Natasha to bed. Her party dress is lying right in front of her, but oh gosh! she is having cold feet. Now that everything has fallen into place, she wants to escape this confrontation by her friends. She has been so engrossed in taking care of her kids and house, that she is totally outdated professionally. She gathers herself together and tries to cajole herself. She is going there just to have fun, not to discuss work.

She is all set to go. Neerav drops her to Cyber City. "Relax!!" he says. Forget about the kids and home. Just go have fun. "Yeah! thats what I have come here for", She thinks and steps inside.
She sees her friends waiting outside a restaurant and walks towards them. They all greet her warmly. "So far so good", she thinks. She was worrying uselessly. They order dinner. Each one of them is so relaxed and comfortable. Even she is having a nice time. "Thank God I came," she thinks.

Its 11 pm. Discussions are on. Almost all the topics ranging from work, family, politics to religion, cultures etc etc have been discussed. Everyone is still relaxed. No one is in a hurry to go back home tonight. They all have met after many months. Each one has a story to tell. She is the only one who is now getting restless." I must push off now. My kids might get up and start looking for me. How would Neerav manage? My colleague who is supposed to drop me, seems to be in no hurry. What should I do? Shall I call Neerav? Shall I book a cab and go? I am no more enjoying the party. I think I should leave now."

She is so engrossed in her thoughts, she misses out the discussion happening right under her nose. " Svasti!" her colleague is shaking her. Where are you lost?" She smiles sheepishly. "Nah! just thinking about something. Shall we leave?

She reaches home. Everybody is sleeping peacefully. She slips beside Neerav. "So, how was it?' He asks. "Nice" she says. "Towards the end I started missing home." " You should step out more often" said Neerav and dozed off.

She kept lying there.. wide awake. What had happened to her? When she was at home, she so much wanted to step out, meet her friends, stay on her own for a few hours, enjoy her 'me' time. Today, when she stepped out, she already started missing her kids, her home, within a few hours?

She didnt sleep the whole night .. lying on bed wondering.. what was it that she yearned for? Does she want to step out or stay at home? Why is she so confused? what is she actually looking for at this stage of her life?  She is clueless. She has no answers. There are only questions that fill her mind and keep her awake at nights. 

Doors of our minds

We believe that God created us and then we invented and discovered so many things and progressed in the process. We are still learning and still figuring out things. It seems as God has made a huge jigsaw puzzle and spread its pieces in the whole world. Our task as humans is to keep looking for the pieces and put it together waiting for that one day when maybe the puzzle will be complete. In the rush to complete the puzzle fast, we have left back many such virtues that made us human and humane. Life is not only about proving oneself, it is more about living life and enjoying every bit of it.

If you see a child of two- four years, all they know is to have fun, to smile, to love, to question and to cry. Maybe God created us like that- full of emotions and without inhibitions. We as grown ups, thought our species to be "the intelligent lot" and goofed up all the innocence and ignorance that we were born with. We started teaching our babies to be "smart" and in the process, we became manipulative. We never try to observe them when they express different emotions. We sometimes overlook it and sometimes  just take it as a normal behaviour.  Although being a mother, I am sometimes unable to patiently keep answering the never ending questions of my little ones. I do get irritated because at there are other things running in my mind.

All in all life has become quite complicated. Sometimes I wish we were not so intelligent but only ignorant. Someone has rightly said- "ignorance is bliss". Why the rush to gather all the pieces of the puzzle. We should sometimes let our hair down and relax. It does not mean lying down on your bed or going for a vacation on some exotic location. We should let our mind relax. Our minds are full of thoughts. God has created an invisible door of our minds. We need to search for it and just like we close the doors of our bedrooms or our cabins so that no one comes in and disturbs us, similarly,  we should close the doors of our minds for a while and let it feel relaxed. I am not talking about meditation. For me jotting down my feelings in the form of this blog is a kind of relaxation. For some, just chit chatting with their partner could be relaxing. We just need to shut the doors of our minds from the unwanted thoughts and think of something that makes us happy. My hubby feels so relaxed and happy just watching our little ones sleep peacefully. That has a Spa effect on him.

All you need to do is to look inside and find one such mode of relaxation and do it whenever you are too disturbed. This closing of our mind's door is just a way to go back to our childhood when we had no concerns or duties, we only knew how to give love and that too unconditional love. I so much wish we all shrug the negative vibes around us at least for a while,  shake ourselves up and become kids once again.

 If we can find that invisible door of our mind, maybe someday we are successful in closing it PERMANENTLY.