Identity..Crisis!!?

She glanced for the 50th time at the clock. It was 6 in the evening. Her ex colleagues would be meeting at Cyber City by 8 tonight. It was a Sunday. Everything was going as per her plan. She would help Alia and Natasha finish their weekend assignments, give them an early dinner and tuck them in their beds by 8. She would then leave home as soon as possible and probably be just an hour late for her get-together.

It had been ages since she had last met her colleagues...She hardly remembered the date and month. She was so looking forward to step out. Not that she had best of her buddies waiting to meet her, probably many of them wouldn't even recall her name, but she was excited. She was excited to go out without her kids, all by herself. Neerav had been coaxing her to go and meet her colleagues and friends, but something was stopping her. She had a storm of thoughts running inside her head, all at the same time. What if the kids don't finish their home work on time? What if Natasha doesn't sleep by 8? What if she gets really late to reach for the party? What if she feels totally bored there as she had not met those people for years together? Should she go or just back out like all the other occasions?Would anyone even notice or miss her absence? Would she look presentable enough with that small paunch peeping out from her party dress? Oh! she had pulled out that lovely party dress of hers from the back of her cupboard shelf. Thankfully she could fit into that dress( if you ignore the devil paunch).
She brushes these thoughts aside and manages to finish all her work on time. Its 8 pm now and she has been successful in putting both Alia and Natasha to bed. Her party dress is lying right in front of her, but oh gosh! she is having cold feet. Now that everything has fallen into place, she wants to escape this confrontation by her friends. She has been so engrossed in taking care of her kids and house, that she is totally outdated professionally. She gathers herself together and tries to cajole herself. She is going there just to have fun, not to discuss work.

She is all set to go. Neerav drops her to Cyber City. "Relax!!" he says. Forget about the kids and home. Just go have fun. "Yeah! thats what I have come here for", She thinks and steps inside.
She sees her friends waiting outside a restaurant and walks towards them. They all greet her warmly. "So far so good", she thinks. She was worrying uselessly. They order dinner. Each one of them is so relaxed and comfortable. Even she is having a nice time. "Thank God I came," she thinks.

Its 11 pm. Discussions are on. Almost all the topics ranging from work, family, politics to religion, cultures etc etc have been discussed. Everyone is still relaxed. No one is in a hurry to go back home tonight. They all have met after many months. Each one has a story to tell. She is the only one who is now getting restless." I must push off now. My kids might get up and start looking for me. How would Neerav manage? My colleague who is supposed to drop me, seems to be in no hurry. What should I do? Shall I call Neerav? Shall I book a cab and go? I am no more enjoying the party. I think I should leave now."

She is so engrossed in her thoughts, she misses out the discussion happening right under her nose. " Svasti!" her colleague is shaking her. Where are you lost?" She smiles sheepishly. "Nah! just thinking about something. Shall we leave?

She reaches home. Everybody is sleeping peacefully. She slips beside Neerav. "So, how was it?' He asks. "Nice" she says. "Towards the end I started missing home." " You should step out more often" said Neerav and dozed off.

She kept lying there.. wide awake. What had happened to her? When she was at home, she so much wanted to step out, meet her friends, stay on her own for a few hours, enjoy her 'me' time. Today, when she stepped out, she already started missing her kids, her home, within a few hours?

She didnt sleep the whole night .. lying on bed wondering.. what was it that she yearned for? Does she want to step out or stay at home? Why is she so confused? what is she actually looking for at this stage of her life?  She is clueless. She has no answers. There are only questions that fill her mind and keep her awake at nights. 

Childhood the best time of life...

Yesterday when my kids were fighting over some trivial issue, it took me back several years when me and my sister used to fight for similar issues. Be it tying of the mosquito net or sharing the bed. It all sounds so funny today and I cannot stop smiling when I remember those days when we sisters and brothers used to argue and fight and used to make our mother's life hell. Arguing in front of dad was out of question as we wouldnt dare do so. Dad was the strict one and mom was the liberal one. Mom would very nicely keep our secrets and would give us the liberty to visit our friend's place and go for school picnics which dad never liked. He wanted all his kids to be back home before sunset.

When I sit back and remember the life which we lived, I feel mom's liberty and dad's strictness were just the right mix which has made us the kind of people we are today. When we are young, we never realise what our parents do for us. Back then, we used to feel that we are living in some kind of a jail where we are not allowed to stay back at our friend's place. When our other friends would go for a trip, we would stay back at home. That was the kind of security that my parents felt was right to give to their kids. It was frustrating at that time but today I feel dad would compensate for that by taking us on a family trip every now and then. Gradually as we grow up, we realise that each parent has a way of bringing up their kids. No one can judge them as there is no set format of bringing up kids.

Today we as parents sometimes wonder what is the right way to bring up our kids. We keep contemplating whether we are going the right way or not. When our kids reply back or shout back at us at such a young age, we do feel that when we were young we never would dare do such a thing to our parents, but things are very different today. Kids today are far too smart than we were at their age.

Still I miss those days when we were young. When I see the kids around me I feel we were far too innocent than kids are today. It is good that they are smarter and sharper but they are missing the innocence that we as kids used to have. The exposure that they get today, steals away the innocence from them. Here I feel the term 'ignorance is bliss' fits in best. We should be ignorant of many things as kids so that our innocence is intact with us for the longest time. What kids see, hear and talk today, is something they would as it is do when they would grow up. Childhood should be reserved for innocence and naughtiness. What the grown up kids are absorbing today is uncalled for. We as parents can try to restrict some of the wrong exposure but for how long and to what extent? I as a parent am literally scared for my kids that in their growing up age, they should be exposed to the right things and should learn things at the right age. But we cannot control everything. So I leave it to time. Worrying is not the solution and hence we as parents will try and give as much guidance as is possible and would be supportive to our kids in each and every step they take.

 One thing that I admire most about my mum was the way she had maintained a relation of a friend with all her kids. I too want to have such a relation with my kids where they feel free to express their feelings with me and share their secrets with me.
Being a parent is so much tough and being a child is so much easy. Alas! this realization has come only when the transition from a child to a parent has taken place in me. I do feel for my parents today and empathise with them for the trouble they have taken to bring up their kids but that phase has already passed.

This is a shade of life, yet life is so beautiful that it shows us so many shades of emotions in just one life. Such realisations make the bondings of relationships stronger and dearer. I love you mom and dad for exposing me to thegood things and acting as a shield from the bad things of life. I would have never realised that life is so tough had I always been under your lovely protection. Oh! how I wish time would have stopped then and there and I would have remained a child always, forgiven time and again for the small mistakes I would make as a child. I really miss those days. 

The Fear of Loss

Yesterday was a big day for us as my elder daughter finally got through one of the best schools of Delhi. We are really happy as our constant follow ups really helped us get this admission.

After we had an interaction session with the school principal, suddenly my voice started choking. At first it was with happiness and by the end of the day, I realized it was not a momentary thing but It was actually the attack of cold and it had completely taken m y voice away by the evening. Suddenly I was straining my vocal chord to be able to talk and be heard.

It was then that a thought crossed my mind that how difficult it must be for someone to express oneself without her voice. Me being a talkative person, not being able to talk just for one day is like a big punishment. This fear of losing is so great that it gets on you. A few days back, I was reading 'Tuesdays with Morrie' and he talks about the fear of death. He says if we overcome it, we can enjoy life. I am not scared of death. It is something about which I do not know still. But what I fear more is the fear of loss. Fear of what you have today and might not have tomorrow. I feel it is a bigger fear than death. Living with the loss is painful. We all loose something or someone in our process of living. God has been grateful to us by giving us the power to forget. We fear loss but with time we tend to forget it and move on. If to forget was not our nature, we would have lost our mental balances. So, the best way to tackle the loss that we have in our lives is to forget. Forget and if possible forgive. Forgive your boss for not giving you an increment, forgive your best friend for betraying you and running away with you love, forget your pain and agony and try to move ahead in life.

All this I have somewhere tried to implement in my life and have definitely moved ahead in life; although I still enjoy cursing my $%^&&^* boss for trying to ruin my promotion, still there are bigger things that I fear. I still do not have an answer to many such losses with which although we learn to live but never forget that loss. Do we forgive God for those losses or do we mere wonder why did he give us something which was a natural part of our body or our lives and take it away just like that? Or do we request him to give us more strength to forget the bigger losses more quickly and start afresh as if the past was never a part of us. I still wonder!